i am – part one – awkward

Posted: February 25, 2016 in infp

the truth is this

i’m just awkward

i’m intelligent enough that i can sometimes pass it off as eccentricity

but, at the end of the day, i’m just awkward

for short periods of time, i am sometimes mistaken for interesting

but, over the long haul, that wears off

and

we’re

left

once

again

with

awkward

i’ve tried different personas over the years

with varying degrees of success

– or varying delays in failure

student

cookie cutter christian

soldier

manager

yuppie

husband

boyfriend

father

son

responsible adult

but in each case

i am a character

not a person

a caricature of what i think that person should be

not that person

and more importantly

not me

there’s a lot about normalcy i don’t like

the small talk

the chit chat

the auto tuned garbage that is neither music nor entertainment, but pretends to be both

the sound bites

the bumper sticker proclamations

the noise and the busy-ness to no apparent end

the cookie cutter rebels who are just like the other billion individualists who dress and think the same exact way

the noise

the never ending noise

noise

noise

noise

but the idea of fitting in is seductive

it shames me how hard i’ve tried

how much i wanted it

and people tried to help me

but

in the end

there’s this

i’m awkward

it has its upsides

i can, for example be especially, even deliberately awkward when i want to make someone uncomfortable

put me in a situation where some kardashian loving puddle of shallowness is trying to get me to do something

and i can literally shake the graham crackers off their foundationless gingerbread world

but there are times when i need other people

and it would be so much easier if i wasn’t so majestically awkward

it would be nice for example, to have a friend or two

but, who wants to deal with the awkward

just to discover the insecure

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