Archive for the ‘just because i wanted to write’ Category

sometimes

in the middle of the night

i awaken

and feel my head rise and lower with each breath

and hear more than feel his heartbeat in my ear

and slowly

peacefully

become aware

that i am cradled in the arms of jesus

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memories

Posted: April 10, 2016 in just because i wanted to write

i’ll paraphrase an aside from tolkein
this is the point in the story where he eas most afraid

and thus the part of the story he loved to tell most as he aged
i don’t remember what i had for dinner last tuesday

but i remember the hot goulash being served on bivouac in basic training at the end of a cold damp grey missouri winter day
i remember the carbs, the heat and the quantity

i remember my hands finally stopped shaking a few minutes after i ate it

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my dad’s funeral was yesterday

as an introvert, i am now awake at 3 am because i had to sleep to get away from all the people who exhaust me at such a gathering

don’t get me wrong

i enjoy seeing them

but i miss my solitude and quiet too

i was asked if i wanted to share a story at the funeral

i declined

not  because there were none to share, but because, given the opportunity, i might just turn the respectful, sanitized, disney version of his remembrance into something they weren’t quite ready for

i might just be honest

before you get me wrong, i’m not some bitter, you were never at my oboe recital, angry man-child

i love my dad

but not in a ‘let’s pretend he had a halo ar0und his head in family portraits’ kind of way

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i walked upon the fallen leaves

i left no footprints there

i made no record in their piles

my passing not worthwhile

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you know- it’s odd

to write- i need the opening line or two

and they come to me most often in the middle of the night when i awake

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it is

i think

appropriate

in some dark sense

in some weird humor

that my craft

my art

my estate

is really

when all is said and done

just me

leaving stains

on paper

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Pleasure me