Fire in the belly

Posted: January 18, 2016 in god stuff
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Leaders without passion physically nauseate me
People who say the right words, but only because they’ve heard or read them from someone else
We’ve all done it at some point
Repeated someone else’s passionate argument as if we believed, but were in reality simply trying it on like a new suit in a store
The bible refers to this type of behavior in a few places
David, when he was about to face Goliath was given Saul’s armor to put on
He ultimately refused t wear it because it was untested and didn’t fit
Indeed it didn’t fit
Why would you want the tools of one who was cowering, if you were about to exhibit bravery

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my dad’s funeral was yesterday

as an introvert, i am now awake at 3 am because i had to sleep to get away from all the people who exhaust me at such a gathering

don’t get me wrong

i enjoy seeing them

but i miss my solitude and quiet too

i was asked if i wanted to share a story at the funeral

i declined

not  because there were none to share, but because, given the opportunity, i might just turn the respectful, sanitized, disney version of his remembrance into something they weren’t quite ready for

i might just be honest

before you get me wrong, i’m not some bitter, you were never at my oboe recital, angry man-child

i love my dad

but not in a ‘let’s pretend he had a halo ar0und his head in family portraits’ kind of way

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r e s p e c t

Posted: January 10, 2016 in infp
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i am an infp
i alternately loathe myself

and despise myself
i am self aware of all my flaws, real an imagined
i detest rebreathing air that has already been in my lungs
but
if you mistake this as permission to show me disrespect, you are on the leading edge of a storm front that will change your life insurance rates

twilight

Posted: January 3, 2016 in darkness
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she caught my eye from across the room

blond and thin, boyish but feminine
small breasts, like i like them
her dress had one of those angled hems that revealed one thigh but not the other
her legs were thin, at least the one i could see was
she looked at me with interest, but also with a modesty that suggested virginity
i was intoxicated by her presence Read the rest of this entry »

okay-
this was just a little exercise in playing word games with negatives
but i kinda like it
even though it’s sad

i took a walk today
along the wooded trail that has no trees

i looked through branches that were not there
past leaves that did not cover them

i stared at the cloudless sky
and imagined what shapes they didn’t look like

 

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i'm seldom lonely
i don't know why
 
maybe i've just gotten used to it
maybe it's because loneliness,
when it does come,
is usually accompanied by more pressing
evils
 
but loneliness is seldom my primary foe

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well i think i’m about done at bayside
for a while, i’ve felt like i needed to stay just to be the designated a##hole
but that role really tires me
i know i make it look easy, but it’s tiring

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